Lost and Found

By: M

It was 3:15am and I awoke for the second time on a Saturday night to the annoying beep of a text coming through on my phone. I stretched across my bed to my night stand and grabbed it, just in time for the third beep to further annoy me. I opened my phone to find not one, not two, but three gentlemen callers wondering “what I was up to.”

Booty callers take note: Call a spade a spade. Tell me you’re curious if I’m home or not, because you’d like to stop by and fuck my brains out. And if I’m still out, you’d like to invite me to come over for a blow job on my way home. If you’re a real catch, why don’t you send a car for me.

I was sick of it. Was the art of dating truly lost? 

At first I wondered if I had brought this on myself. Had I given that one guy a hand job too soon? Did I make myself too available to the point that there was no need to invite me on a date? Did they get the milk for free without buying the damn cow? Was I the fucking cash cow?

I had to get to the bottom of this and as my girlfriends and I huddled over a few empty wine bottles and a Scrabble board on a rainy night, the topic arose: Was it just me or was it near impossible to go on a respectable date these days. (and by respectable date I mean one that ends with an “I’ll call you this week” and no deep tongue, oral, anal, or vaginal sex…nada!) What happened to a kiss on the hand and a compliment?

Turns out, I was not the only one. In fact, I was in a sea of agreement. That night I made a pact to myself that even if I had a mouth watering crush on someone, I wanted to be taken seriously and would only accept an invitation to a nice, decent date from now on.  

Two months later and sticking to my pact, I was experiencing the biggest dating dry spell of my life. I felt miserably lonely. I lived vicariously through Lifetime Original movies and cheesy horoscopes. Apparently my lucky days were the 4th and the 20th. Well the 4th came and went and the 20th was grandpa’s birthday party—so unless saggy balls were my thing…I was destined to be single and date-free forever.

Well, this is the part of the story where I’m supposed to tell you that it was then that prince charming swooped down…cape and all…and ended my dating dilemma with a dream date come true. Ha! I actually got so lonely that I resorted to bi-weekly visits from a dildo named “blue” and some really good lube.

But here is where I learn the lesson:.

So months past and I spent a lot of quality time both alone and with the girls. Focused on doing things for me…facials, yoga, and cute new outfits galore. I put in a lot of time loving ME and not settling for the half-assed attempts of Jimmy, Collin and Matt. I was waiting for someone who respected me as much as I had learned to respect myself, which in the end, was key. I loved myself waaaay to much to be treated that way. I knew what I deserved…I was worth it. Now this advice may sound cliché and I’m not trying to go all Aretha Franklin on you here with the respect speech…but truth be told…the second I did this…things began to drastically change…and no, it wasn’t luck. I didn’t have good luck. I had lost then found my confidence, which would restore all good will and faith in the fact that there was a guy (or four or five) out there that would treat me with the respect I deserved. And sure enough, although I hadn’t met that special keeper just yet, I went on some incredible dates with some fantastic guys. It served as a reminder that they ARE out there…and once you demand the treatment you deserve, you’ll attract the right ones. And chill out…there’s no rush…the longer you wait, the more you’ll appreciate it when you find it.

Oh and PS—until you find that special person, I highly recommend the non-flavored water based (not oil or silicone based) lube!